What Makes a Good Marriage - How About Working At It?

Have you ever looked at married couples of long-standing and wondered what their secret was? Do you know a couple whose marriage seems to be “almost perfect?” How do they do it, these couples? What are they doing in their marriage that we don’t do and why do we somehow feel second rate to them? What’s WRONG with MY marriage, you may want to scream! Why aren’t WE perfect?

Don’t scream and don’t feel that your marriage is inadequate because it doesn’t “measure up” to someone else’s. First of all, there are no perfect, or “almost perfect,” marriages. Anyone who feels there are has bought into the Disney version of love: Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, and, my personal favorite, Sleeping Beauty.

While the “happily ever after” image of true love and marriage is hard to resist, these stories are what they are; fairy tales. They are not real life.

So why do some couples seem to live in “happily ever after?” Though we may not want to use the expression, couples who seem to be happier together actually “work at” their marriages. Equating marriage as a job is not something most people want to do but, if we stop and think about it, “working at” a relationship is a good idea. Why? Anything worth having in your life needs maintenance. A marriage needs maintenance and work, too, to keep it in good condition.

But is there a secret to good marriages? No real secrets, just some common sense and courtesy. So here are some “secrets” to having a better marriage.

1. Fight fair-stick to the issue at hand that is causing the fight.




“We work at having a happy marriage,” says Arielle, a colleague and friend I admire. Her marriage to Edward seems perfect but she will assure you that it is not.
Recently, she and I and our husbands were the unwilling witnesses to an argument taking place in a restaurant. When I commented that we’ve all been there, that all couples fight, she said that this couple wasn’t fighting fair.





“Fighting fair takes work but it’s worth it. That’s working at a marriage.”,

“So, what’s fighting fair?” Alan asked her husband.

“Sticking to the problem at hand and not going into the past and rehashing old news,” he said.” It serves no purpose other than to use it as a weapon.”





This struck me because I have seen “dirty fighters;” people who will bring up every past slight, hurt, nasty remark during an argument. Listen, if you’re arguing with your spouse about who left the clothes in the dryer to get all wrinkled, why bring up the fact that two years ago, you were hurt by what you perceived to be nasty comments about your family?




2. Treat your spouse with the respect you would show a stranger.




Huh? The respect we would show a stranger? But don’t we treat our spouses better than we treat strangers? Not necessarily.





Familiarity may not always breed contempt but it can breed something just as bad-taking our spouses for granted and not always being polite. It is a fact that, when we are speaking to people we don’t know, we are on our best behavior. We listen to them talk, we show interest in their conversations, we treat them as if they are very important to us. Why? We want to impress them with our politeness, our exquisite manners; our overall “niceness.” Sometimes in marriage we lose this manner of respect. Remembering to treat each other respectfully strengthens a marriage. Be polite, listen to each other the way you would to anyone you wanted to think well of you, let your spouse know they are important to you.




3. Be friends.




Have fun with each other. Friends laugh, they share; they do silly things together.How often do you laugh with your spouse? What interests do you share together? This is glue to any relationship. Be a good friend to your spouse.




4. Share the work.




No one wants to feel as if they are someone’s servant. Doing all the household or garden chores is not fun for anyone and can cause an enormous amount of resentment to build up. Don’t just ask if he wants help with the yard work or garden; go out and help him. Don’t just ask if she wants help clearing the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher, get started and work alongside her. Sharing the work lets you be together and takes the burden off one person.




5. Speak kindly with love in your voice.




There is nothing sweeter for a man or a woman than to hear love when their wife or husband speaks to them. Little endearments like “baby, honey, etc. mean so much. And who doesn’t want to be spoken to with kindness? This is the person you married and with whom you are spending your life!




6. Your marriage is the most important relationship you have.

More important than any other you have or will have. This doesn’t take away any other relationships or diminish them in any way. But, your marriage must come first.

Enough said? Working to have a good marriage is definitely worth it. Small changes can have a big impact and, who knows, maybe someday, someone will ask you about your “perfect” marriage!

Sacred Jude in My Life, Miracles Abound!!,