A Habit...

It has become a habit to conform, to agree, to nod, to swallow insults, silently. 
What is it that makes one agree to all this, given the fact that one is brought up as an independent thinking person, as a person who has the freedom to fend and feed themselves. What role does society play in screwing up the minds of Indian men so much that they get this wierd idea that they 'allow' women in their lives to work and earn. Do they actually have the right to do so? Or are they so insecure about their own sorry selves that they just have to use force and pressure to subjugate women, to smother their lives, their voices. How sad is the state of a man? Was a man always this weak? Or has the education system and the patriarchal societal structure made the man, a eunuch? A being with no identity? A being that has no self esteem, that has to use power to force women into subjugation. 

Being a woman, it often is the case that I face some sort of harassment and try to undertand where I went wrong in growing up. Was it that my parents gave me the wrong kind of training, did they fail to tell me about the real men, I would face. Did they not know that such men wont take no for an answer and use force instead to cover up their impotence and prove their masculinity. Did my parents live in a bubble? Was it unfair on me that I grew up independent and decide to live this way and allow harassment so that my world looks rosy from outside. Is this how marriages work? Where one person takes all the shit and the other keeps throwing it? Is it at all about stuff like love, compassion, care as the movies and books advertise. What is respect then? Does it exist? 

Or am I looking the other way when I should be packing my bags instead? Is it time then? Does it mean that I am just a coward who cannot do anything about being harassed and stay silent through it all. Atleast, I am better off today than before. I have also decided that I will not call up anyone to discuss this and gather sympathy votes. Yeah, I know, I am guilty of it. I will not tell anyone how bad a situation I am in. Today, I felt lonely, when I went for my walk. The breeze on the beach did some soothing, I felt a bit ok, but still down in the dumps. I feel wretched but I will not depend on anybody else apart from myself to pull myself up. I dont need anybody to pull me out. No no, I am not becoming selfish, I am just becoming self-reliant. I am also not giving someone else the power to give me unwarranted gyaan and not give anyone an oportunity to make my life a gossip column item. I will not, reach out. I will, instead try to solve all this myself. I will, succeed. 

I can. I will.     

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