A Decade and counting...
Grew up listening to Kishore Kumar, Mohd. Rafi and listening to impromptu adda sessions on the neighborhood tapri. Have heard and wondered how people could talk so much. Not that I dont like to wag my tongue. I am tending towards being a megalomaniac, probably worse. Dunno what can be worse!
Anyway, of late, I have changed my outlook and have changed a few things in my life. First thing being, my way of reacting to people and stuff that I am not comfortable with.
I am in a new setting now. I like it.
Being caught in a rut suffocates me. I need to feel the vibrant energy of my earlier life again. I need to go back to being the person I was, when I migrated from the East. I had never imagined that I would settle down in Chennai, of all places. I had thought of Bangalore, never Chennai.
So, when I came to this new city, I was kind of thrilled, to be part of a new environment. But, at the same time, I had a deep contempt for the place. Several incidents kept playing in my head when I landed. I wanted to run back. To the comfort of the East. That was not to be. I had to adopt and adapt to the ways of the city.
I learned many things. First, I learned that my community was the most hated one. And, I learned, atleast attempted, to merge in. After speaking chaste Sanskrit-influenced Tamizh for years, I had to mouth a watered-down version. Felt disgusted.
A decade passed. I became numb. Didn't care what anybody thought of me, my language. I also learned that though there were people who made fun of my TamBram accent, there were also people who considered me a friend. These people are the real Chennai for me. Not those people who say they hate all TamBrams. No No.
Till I migrated I never remembered that I was part of a supposedly elite community. After I came here, I was cornered so much, I cringed first, hated it, then slowly it dawned on me that a deep insecurity also gives rise to loud protests. And, then I started growing a thick hide. Maybe that is why S and I were brought to Chennai. So that we could throw away our sensitive skins and grow thick hides to be able to cope with the external world. After all, we could deal with anything if we could deal with a state full of people hating us! Correct? Right.
So, the next thing I did was become totally hypocritical. A pure hypocrite, unabashedly a chameleon. A community friend once stated, if we need to survive in this place, we need to become like the rest. So, I just agreed to whatever people said and became friends with most people. The only people who knew what I truly was were my closest friends and my family. Others just thought I was different. I didn't care either way.
There are many portions of my personality that I am very comfortable with. There are other things that I do not like everybody to know of because I do not believe that people would be able to understand them. So, here I was, after 12 years, a customized product. Like a mirror, I would just say things that people wanted to hear or talk. I never spoke my mind with everybody except a few. These few people, are very very close to me, my heart. I do a lot of plainspeak.
The more people kept pushing me to a corner and 'accusing' me of being a TamBram, the more deep rooted Brahminism became. After coming to this place, I was 'twice born.' In the correct meaning of the term.
This post is not about my beliefs and the truths and the scathing thoughts I hide behind the veneer, this post is about/for all those people who made me who I have become. A hypocrite.
I am attempting to undo the damage. Help me do it. I am going to drop the layers and show who I really am, what I truly think, and in this if I lose people who thought I subscribed to certain thoughts, so be it. If truth demands sacrifices of false relationships, so be it.
I am, have been, will always be, very proud to be born a TamBram. I am proud of my thoughts, my values, my culture, and my language. I will speak Tamizh the way 'We' speak. I rest my case.
Anyway, of late, I have changed my outlook and have changed a few things in my life. First thing being, my way of reacting to people and stuff that I am not comfortable with.
I am in a new setting now. I like it.
Being caught in a rut suffocates me. I need to feel the vibrant energy of my earlier life again. I need to go back to being the person I was, when I migrated from the East. I had never imagined that I would settle down in Chennai, of all places. I had thought of Bangalore, never Chennai.
So, when I came to this new city, I was kind of thrilled, to be part of a new environment. But, at the same time, I had a deep contempt for the place. Several incidents kept playing in my head when I landed. I wanted to run back. To the comfort of the East. That was not to be. I had to adopt and adapt to the ways of the city.
I learned many things. First, I learned that my community was the most hated one. And, I learned, atleast attempted, to merge in. After speaking chaste Sanskrit-influenced Tamizh for years, I had to mouth a watered-down version. Felt disgusted.
A decade passed. I became numb. Didn't care what anybody thought of me, my language. I also learned that though there were people who made fun of my TamBram accent, there were also people who considered me a friend. These people are the real Chennai for me. Not those people who say they hate all TamBrams. No No.
Till I migrated I never remembered that I was part of a supposedly elite community. After I came here, I was cornered so much, I cringed first, hated it, then slowly it dawned on me that a deep insecurity also gives rise to loud protests. And, then I started growing a thick hide. Maybe that is why S and I were brought to Chennai. So that we could throw away our sensitive skins and grow thick hides to be able to cope with the external world. After all, we could deal with anything if we could deal with a state full of people hating us! Correct? Right.
So, the next thing I did was become totally hypocritical. A pure hypocrite, unabashedly a chameleon. A community friend once stated, if we need to survive in this place, we need to become like the rest. So, I just agreed to whatever people said and became friends with most people. The only people who knew what I truly was were my closest friends and my family. Others just thought I was different. I didn't care either way.
There are many portions of my personality that I am very comfortable with. There are other things that I do not like everybody to know of because I do not believe that people would be able to understand them. So, here I was, after 12 years, a customized product. Like a mirror, I would just say things that people wanted to hear or talk. I never spoke my mind with everybody except a few. These few people, are very very close to me, my heart. I do a lot of plainspeak.
The more people kept pushing me to a corner and 'accusing' me of being a TamBram, the more deep rooted Brahminism became. After coming to this place, I was 'twice born.' In the correct meaning of the term.
This post is not about my beliefs and the truths and the scathing thoughts I hide behind the veneer, this post is about/for all those people who made me who I have become. A hypocrite.
I am attempting to undo the damage. Help me do it. I am going to drop the layers and show who I really am, what I truly think, and in this if I lose people who thought I subscribed to certain thoughts, so be it. If truth demands sacrifices of false relationships, so be it.
I am, have been, will always be, very proud to be born a TamBram. I am proud of my thoughts, my values, my culture, and my language. I will speak Tamizh the way 'We' speak. I rest my case.
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