Seven Days, One Week

A week left.

A week later, I will go into a one-way zone, and can never ever come back to these times again.

When I realized this, I introspected and realized that I wanted to live each second of these passing days. I wanted to look back and not regret any moment of these precious few days. That brought me to another very important part. Who did I want to spend my time with?

When I answered this question honestly, I found, to my surprise, that there were certain people in my life, friends and other acquaintances who just didn’t fit the bill. I would rather not waste my time on them. Then there were others, who were like a support system, soul sisters. I love them for what they gave to me. I hope someday I am able to give back as much.

Though I have a penchant to be soft many times and give in to demands on my time, I have almost always regretted this loss of time. I have always been able to think of hundred other things I could have achieved in that time. Nevertheless, one other thing that kept getting pushed to the background is my writing. Sadly, for me, my writing career is still in the nascent stage. Hence, my “Bhishma Pratigya,” to complete my novel before I step into the 40s. And, I am determined to do it. I realize when I make up my mind to achieve something, nature throws many challenges at me, to check my resolve, you think?

Am not sure. Some challenges leave me gasping for breath, some enriched.

Currently, the challenge is to finish my novel in 1 week. I have around 2000 words to finish. My goal is 60K words. Err, yeah, some might balk at this calculation, but I know this is a logical ending.

So, I am prodding myself to keep thinking about the finale. I have to steer myself away from the distracting thoughts of publishers accepting my work and so on. But, I am typing away, furiously at times, racing against time. How does it matter, a cynic might ask? It matters. To me, it matters.

I cannot wish to be a published novel author before I turn 40 but hell yeah, I can certainly try to complete my “big” novel, which I have been writing for the past 6 years (yeah! that long) and send it off. Can I achieve it, I think I can, if I try harder. I will.

I have decided to chronicle this little journey, to help me reminisce these days. I didn’t bat an eyelid when I glided into the 30s. Only when I reached 35 I looked back and realized, to my horror that I had forgotten to live these precious days. I will never be 25 again. What was I doing, you might ask?

I was busy getting validation from other people, men, of course. I lost my prime in this. Waiting for the perfect man. Such an utter waste of time. Anyway, as they say, nothing gets wasted. But, I ask myself often, did I have to waste so much time in getting these life lessons? End of the day, was it even worth it? Maybe, maybe not.

What I did glean from this experience is that no one, can escape this vicious cycle of wasting time. It eventually boils down to the strength of your will power. And how much one can remain focused. Husband says, an important point is luck. I agree. If luck favors you, you tend to make the right decisions, even if you share your opinions, people do not mind and praise you for being assertive and don’t tend to call you a hitler and so on.  Nevertheless, so, I do consider myself blessed, I feel the hand of the maker with me, especially when times are tough. I feel God’s presence, gently prodding me to be quiet and resilient.

Last year was turbulent, both personal as well as professional lives, got royally fucked. I almost thought DH and I will divorce. It was just a tough climb. A year later, I look back and wonder, was it worth the effort and tears? Maybe not. But, when I was going through it all, it felt so right. Is it not like that for everything?

I made some royal blunders last year. I did have the sense to bounce back and apologize for my actions though. I realized, maybe a tad too late that I did not need such drama in my life. But, I wallowed in self-pity for some more time. Again, what did I spend my time on?

Validation.

The devil that refuses to leave me alone, killing, eroding my self-confidence, day in and day out.

With supreme effort, each passing day, I improved in strength and fought off the demons lurking in my brain, my mind. They had lodged in deep, refusing to go. I had to cut off certain portions. Prayers helped. I had trouble looking at my face in the mirror. Not coz the mirror is dirty, more so coz I didn’t have the guts to face myself. In all these years, I have never stooped to such disgusting levels. I have never allowed my baser instincts to take over my life. I did allow them a year and it screwed my life. Did I do the wrong thing? Hell, yeah. I did. I wasted a year, 365 fucking days! What did I get? Maybe some tough lessons. Was it worth it? Maybe. But, I could have done something better.

Anyway, my resolution continues to remain sharp and strong. I ain’t going to allow anyone to distract or disturb me from my goal of finishing my novel. No Sir, not this time.

Happy week to me and happy weekend to you all. Till next time, ciao.