Digital Detox

Came back after receiving a almost crushing verdict. But, this is not something I have not known before. My eggs. Which has a direct correlation with things like my ego, my identity, and my self esteem. 

 I came back home, shed some tears, unloaded my agony on two applications and felt better after deactivating both. Whatsapp deleted, FB deactivated. Task over. Has my problem gone away? No. Its there in my head. It wont go easily. 

 I have no interest in interacting with anyone. I dont have anything to say to anyone. I dont want to listen to anyone. I just want to mope. 

 Why me? Why always me? 

 The bitterness of my interactions has left such a deep scar that everything I touch has become bitter and venomous. I feel like a reptile sometimes. 

 On top of this, I am expected to respond to two job offers. Do I even look like I care about taking either of them? I don't. This is not what I want. But, I need to. I have to. I must. But, this must is what is killing me. I tried many things. Nothing seems to be tailor made for me. Things that I try and accomplish after a struggle seem to be just the basics for others. They do it with a backhand. How cruel is that? 

 I picked up fights with two popular ladies. Why? Because I envy them. Somehow I feel they do not deserve the praise and fame they are getting. 
But then who am I to judge whether they deserve it or not. What have I achieved? Even 1% I haven't achieved. Then I don't have the right to point fingers at people like them. 

 Envy has made such a strong hole inside my brain, I use it as an excuse to show how pitiful my state is and how lucky others are. 

 I am in a weird state of mind and I just dont feel like interacting with anyone lest I vomit more poison on them. 

 I am such a pathetic sample of humanity that I have even lost count of the depravities I have conjured up. My twisted brain and my uneven sorry existence. 

 Is there anything good? I am no longer sure. 

 I feel obsessed with someone who is happy in their life. I read up all BS on the net and try to use them to strong arm them into my life. What the fuck am I even doing? 

 Why can't I accept the fact that I can never become a parent. Ever. Donor eggs belong to the donor, not me. 

 I can't accept it. I feel let down. All my life, I have waited waited for the moment when I would be able to hear a tiny being's steps, its gentle snores...feel love for a being that would come out of me, look like me. But, no...

 My body has betrayed me. My luck has betrayed me. My mind is not working anymore. I can't write anymore. I have stopped existing long back. 

 Why the hell did He put me in this fucking world? Maybe to tickle himself and see what a human without an ability to procreate can do. 

 Some well-meaning friends with umpteen kids of their own give me advise. Of course, they feel empathetic. They want me to feel better. I understand. I appreciate. End of the day, it is BS. 

 That's what it is. BS. 

 When you can't procreate, people give you, they feed you all sorts of crap. Even strangers tell you how difficult it is to clean poo, vomit etc. Who the fuck asked them for opinions? Astounds me, all the time. Being immune to such 'cute advice' I just nod. Hoping that they would just shut the fuck up and let me mope. 

 Ok. Officially, I give up. Today is the day I stop believing crap about faith and hope and everything under. It is just nice beautifully packed BS. And I am done. 

Comments

  1. Anonymous5:12 PM

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