Life Goes On...
Since the New Year, I have been in a weird mood. People who know me might nod furiously and say 'ya ya, she is like that'. Well, this is a different sort of weird.
I feel weird enough to shun some daily habits that I had imbibed, like doing rigorous Puja or cooking elaborate meals and so on. I no longer feel pressurized to be ritualistic or appear religious.
There is a certain waywardness in my mind. I do not feel like following certain rules. This statement might conjure up images of me cohorting with men of all hues in your mind. but, sadly, no, I do not mean promiscuity. I just mean the intense urge to just stay put and not follow any strictures or rules.
Somewhere between the New Year and the week after I stopped my urge to cling to the belief that God will take care of me and that a benevolent God is all I need to tide over life's ups and downs, though it seemed more like a plateau and absolutely no ups.
Do I mean the absence of an opportunity to throw an offspring on this earth? Well, not really. I also realized recently that I do not have the deep interest to become maternal in any sense, be it for a whining baby or for a grown up adult choosing to throw temper tantrums.
Between the urge to scream and holler at anybody who cared to cross my path and to become Budhha-like, I drew a line and withdrew. The life that I have chosen for myself would be child-free and full of things that I want to do or maybe I have dreamt myself doing. Strangely, whenever I picture myself doing something that I love, I am always alone. I do not have someone standing near me throwing an arm over my shoulder or holding me by my waist. I don't because I feel complete by myself, or am I so selfish I cant think anything beyond me? Is that a sign of things to come? I do not know. The weirdness goes on...unabated, unbridled, like me.
I feel weird enough to shun some daily habits that I had imbibed, like doing rigorous Puja or cooking elaborate meals and so on. I no longer feel pressurized to be ritualistic or appear religious.
There is a certain waywardness in my mind. I do not feel like following certain rules. This statement might conjure up images of me cohorting with men of all hues in your mind. but, sadly, no, I do not mean promiscuity. I just mean the intense urge to just stay put and not follow any strictures or rules.
Somewhere between the New Year and the week after I stopped my urge to cling to the belief that God will take care of me and that a benevolent God is all I need to tide over life's ups and downs, though it seemed more like a plateau and absolutely no ups.
Do I mean the absence of an opportunity to throw an offspring on this earth? Well, not really. I also realized recently that I do not have the deep interest to become maternal in any sense, be it for a whining baby or for a grown up adult choosing to throw temper tantrums.
Between the urge to scream and holler at anybody who cared to cross my path and to become Budhha-like, I drew a line and withdrew. The life that I have chosen for myself would be child-free and full of things that I want to do or maybe I have dreamt myself doing. Strangely, whenever I picture myself doing something that I love, I am always alone. I do not have someone standing near me throwing an arm over my shoulder or holding me by my waist. I don't because I feel complete by myself, or am I so selfish I cant think anything beyond me? Is that a sign of things to come? I do not know. The weirdness goes on...unabated, unbridled, like me.
I know that feeling...gone through it...:)
ReplyDelete