Trials and Tribulations by Fire

Today is very special. Today, the whole day I avoided thinking about her and in the evening I gave vent to my non-existent emotions and bitched to my heart's content. In the end, I feel listless and empty. It is as if the hatred for her has left me paralysed, I can feel nothing. The nothingness is soothing. I can understand it. But, slowly, a metamorphosis is happening. I do not like it quite. I think I need to stop it from  taking over me. Me, the self, I know since 1977, the self which defines me, my status in society, the self that people relate to, and often say,'this is so you.' But, many a times, I feel, is this the real me? The person who swears at old men driving slowly in the middle of the road, who sneers at lovey-dovey couples, rolls her eyes at many things, is this me? Oh god! If this was the real me, who is the person I keep thinking I am. I must be losing it, has it always been like this or is it just now, because of this woman, in my life? Have I given...

  Name: Tantra Author: Adi Publisher: Apeejay Stya Publishing ISBN 978-81-908636-2-9 Price: 195 INR The summary on the back cover: Anu is a leather wearing, no-nonsense professional guardian with a reputation for killing the most dangerous vampires in New York City. But when her enemies murder the one person she truly cared about, all she wants is vengeance. The only clue points to New Delhi, so Anu puts in for a job transfer. In India, she finds more than she expected. For one thing, her fellow operatives have made a truce with the vampires. For another, it’s way too hot to wear leather. At first, it seems Anu’s biggest challenge will be evading the nice boys her aunt wants her to marry. But when children start disappearing, she discovers forces older and darker than anything she’s faced before. All of Delhi is in danger, especially the sexy stranger who sets Anu’s pulse racing. To prepare for the coming battle, Anu must overcome her personal demons and put aside y...

The smell of freshly made chai lingers on my senses The unconcerned chat sessions extending much beyond the hours of societal boundaries is still fresh The special words that can be branded 'you' are part of my vocabulary I am so glad you came into this world, however it may be I am so glad you came to my area I am so glad we met for snacks as a group and took back years of togetherness Happy Birthday!  

Tumko dekha toh yeh khayal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghanaa chhaya... What would happen if one day, there was no rule that people had to follow the rules of the so-called society. What if? What would I do? Well, for starters (LOL...and what is for desserts?)...anyway, PJs apart, I would live my life without any fear, subjugation, and moral policing. I would just do what I wanted to.  A few things would be:  1. Say 'I Love you' to him and ensure I sleep with him. Oh oh, I am not part of the Satis, I will get what I want. Want the man, get him! Bingo. 2. Slap a few faces so hard, it should hurt and the jaws should get stuck.  3. Beat up atleast 1 Chennai auto wallah with a iron rod and make him stand in the sun, if possible, tie him to the back of an MTC bus and...you get the picture. 4. Get drunk and drive at 140 kmph on ECR.  5. Put a plaster on my FIL's mouth when he starts talking.  6. Take my mom on a World tour and...

Read the detailed review of this place here: http://chennai.burrp.com/listing/al-arab/review/please-do-not-visit-this-restaurant-ever/16wo_38y5 Oh, before I forget, please do not visit. If you want vengeance, do send your enemy there!

A long wait and the end has come. The fruit is not sweet. I had expected it to be mine. I gave my 100%. Maybe it was not to be. Or maybe I deserve only this much. Am I over-reacting too much about all this? I think I should just stick to writing documentation in AIT and blog posts (nobody reads them anyway). Depression is setting in. I dont even feel like writing, the only thing I love to do.  

The wait has become painful Endless patience and long sighs dot the landscape Smiles reach the sinus cavities but not the orifices above The muscle that pumps the blood seems to be tired Of all the waiting and pining Is it just a pipe dream or will it happen anytime soon? Will the fire reaching the skies have the desired effect? Will the smoke-filled cupboards go waste? Will the road lead to nowhere? Will the attitudinal change go nowhere? What are the thoughts? As days go by, the only effect the smoke has is on me, on my craziness The quotient is just a number, not to be confused with anything else Will the logic of mind over matter work here? Has it ever worked for me? Am I the one who is controlling the smoke? Or is it something that is pre-destined? Or am I just day-dreaming, as usual?  Is this all a bubble, again? Is this just a dream that I am seeing with pink-colored glasses? I will know in some days. Will it or wont it? I wish it should...Some...

Spent the weekend dreaming, drooling, and doodling Sprang up from the bed, fully charged, thinking of you Dreamt of you so much, I brought to life, your smile, your touch, and your feel You are not there, not here, nowhere Where are you? When will you come? Do you feel what I feel? Will you let the cat out?

Had Absolut fun on Saturday. The junta called us for an impromptu party and we went along, glad to meet other people. The usual gossip sessions began. My mind went off to graze, as usual. I wondered dont they get bored talking about the same issues, over and over again. Well, when we crib, that is exactly we do? We chew the cud so many times, it becomes milky and then more chewy. I guess the nutrients are far gone from it. What is left is just fibre. Fibre, by the way is good for the body, it gets rid of crap. Now that we are clear about the fibre and crap, let us move on. Atleast here. The females had a lot of cribbing to do about the women who gave birth to their partners. The older women, presumably were arrogant and rude, and demanded undivided attention of their sons. I do not know if it is right, wrong. I dont care. Women who have nothing to look forward to in their lives demand and fight for the attentin of men in their lives: husbands, sons, neighbors...

It has become a habit to conform, to agree, to nod, to swallow insults, silently.  What is it that makes one agree to all this, given the fact that one is brought up as an independent thinking person, as a person who has the freedom to fend and feed themselves. What role does society play in screwing up the minds of Indian men so much that they get this wierd idea that they 'allow' women in their lives to work and earn. Do they actually have the right to do so? Or are they so insecure about their own sorry selves that they just have to use force and pressure to subjugate women, to smother their lives, their voices. How sad is the state of a man? Was a man always this weak? Or has the education system and the patriarchal societal structure made the man, a eunuch? A being with no identity? A being that has no self esteem, that has to use power to force women into subjugation.  Being a woman, it often is the case that I face some sort of harassment and try to undert...