Trials and Tribulations by Fire

Thirty years, long arduous years. Today, I can turn back and look at all this with a wise grin on my face. Without remorse, without agony. Well sometimes, though the thoughts truly make me shudder. The pain, the agony, and the sorrow make me feel embittered. My soul feels torn at many places. I feel bad for all the torture I have put my mind through. But I cant help feel bad about all this. I turned 30 recently. Thirty long years of my life, and I feel I have so little to show for everything I have been through. I have given so much (or atleast tried to) but I hardly have got back anything solid in return. All I have got is heartache, and humiliation. Do i deserve all this? Am i worth only this? Is this what I was born for? Is this what my life is worth? Getting an earful from people, who are worth a piece of shit weighed in kilos! Heck, I have reached somewhere, by 30. I wanted to be here when I started my journey some 7 years back. I have done it. Why should I cow down and feel sorry...

A glass covered ceiling, reflecting the sun and throwing up myriads of particles on the occupants of this humongous structure. The reflecting walls make up for the beauty lost with the ultra-secure containment outside the building. The security guards instructed to frisk each and every passerby do irk you, but then the building deserves this, so you tend to let go. Welcome to the Bank. After 12 days of fooling around within the confines of this International organisation, I already feel like a veteran. But not so much, since I am yet to go through the bad parts of being here. I am very confident that nothing can beat my previous employer, in making people work like a pig. Guess, I am being polite when I say this, though. Life is like a sieve. You can see the other side, very clearly, but to reach the other side, you must go through the sieving process to make the finer aspects more fine. You get the best of all the words. You become the quintessential maker of your fortune. The Rainmak...

Hattrick: A movie made by Sidharth Anand. (never heard of him!) Well, this movie is NOT like Iqbal. Or about any cricket crazy kid wanting to become a great sportsman. This story is about a Hat-trick performed by ordinary mortals like Paresh Rawal, Nana Patekar , Danny and Kunal Kapoor. Adding masala to Kunal's life is Rimi Sen. Frankly, the film is well-taken. The story has no loose ends and the director gives you a feel-good factor to go home with. But there is no great wisdom to ponder upon and get your grey cells active. It is just a simple story, with a few characters, here and there and how they deal with the turbulence in their lives. I think Kunal Kapoor has real potential, and Rimi has put on a few pounds. Paresh has done a great job as the babbling Gujju Patel who is obsessed with the UK PR. Danny, as David Abraham, plays the role of a happy-go-lucky cricketer, who makes the stern Nana smile. Hattrick is about human emotions and feelings. You can smile and laugh a ...

Feb 18th 2007: Today I went to MGM Dizzeeworld. Exhilaration and pure ecstacy are some adjectives that would characterize the visit. Various fun rides such as the Ranger, the Flying ship take your breath away and try to make it a memorable visit. Well, I went with two friends, who are crazy enough to pay for this pure form of torture. I guess even the Russians can learn a thing or two from these people who design these rides! The rides are meant to be for people's amusement, hence the name, amusement park. But, to my absolute horror, one guy threw up, coloring the whole Flying ship with his internals and to the chagrin of his neighbors, never recovered from his ordeal. I went on the Roller-Coaster, the mini rollercoaster, dashed against my friends in the Dashing cars, got drenched in the Wet ride, and simply had fun. The fear of the scary Ranger and the Flying ship reigned supreme, and I dared not venture there. I stayed put and made sure, I was not emotionally blackmailed to take ...

29.... going on 30, in a coupla days. A little bit apprehensive about everything. I am. I don't know if this is correct or I am over-exaggerating. I always do that. I tend to crib, a lot. Cry some more, and act as if the world is falling in. Well, this seems to be the case, for the past few weeks. I am not sure where I will be in the next few months. Change. Is such a reluctant adversary. Ain't it. Heh. Moving on with a new job, feels as if I am leaving my household and moving on to a new life altogether. Technically this is not reality. But yeah, my mind has conjured up such ideas. It is real for my mind. Which in turn, seems to be real for me. The world feels I am a fool. I am sentimentally attached to my job, my workplace, and my friends. I am. No doubt about that. But, is it wrong. It ain't. But anyway, if you see it this way. If my friends get an opp for moving away to a better paypacket, wont they grab it. Well no harm in me doing the same. Isnt it. Hey. I am here to ...

Nithya Suresh Kaun Hai? Well, this would be the case a few hours ago. But now, 1 hour later, its a fact. A simple yeah, has completed my journey. Maybe I am crazy to say yes, without even thinking. But I had already decided to say yes even without meeting the guy. The Groom, to be exact. Suresh alias Subramanian, would have been my Prince Charming. A would be husband. But destiny had other plans in store. Suresh, withered away without even a trace. My beloved parents spurned him. He was shooed away, because, he turned out to be something else that he originally wasn't. His lies, had turned him into a non-performing asset. NPA. Suresh had to go. He had not completed the formalities. He had lied about his qualifications and job. He had to be stopped from starting the engagement formalities. A phone call took care of that. And an e-mail did the trick. I was relieved. Woudn't I?

Have you felt the need to confirm? The oppressive need to be right in someone else's eyes. This is a feeling that takes out your ego and tosses it unceremoniously out the window. I always have this feeling of incompleteness, of having to confirm to others. To say yes, when I want to say NO. Is this a common feeling or am I all alone in this? Maybe there are others. Other women. Seldom have I seen men being a Confirm freak. They have a whole society backing them up. What is right for them is right for the world. Ain't it. Well, this time round, I have decided to turn this thing on its head and say No. Finally. I have the courage to do it. But somewhere near my ribs I get a pull, that is difficult to handle, I am lost for words and my mind becomes bemuddled. Is it normal? I ask myself. But I want to do what I want to do. Not act according to some guy's whims and fancies. Is it too much? But then, this has a root in the year 1977. Or maybe 1978. I am not sure. When the mind go...

In this world filled with people - successful people, unsuccessful people, diseased people, cheaters, teachers, mothers, beggars, CEOs, anybody worth a dime, have they ever pondered on this - Is everything in their control? We perceive so. We think everything is in our hands. It gives us a boost and makes us feel very powerful. We feed our egos with this thought. But is it true? What can we control? Life? No. We can die anytime. Money? No. We can lose our job/business anytime to some unknown unimaginable catastrophe. Then what? The you are rendered homeless and have to depend on the State or the Society. This is true in the US. But what about the mere mortals in Indian states. They have to depend on their brethren. You cannot even control your own reflexes. You, the most powerful species on earth, with Intelligence, cannot do anything if your body suddenly stops working. Nothing. You can do something, though. You can cry. Feel sorry. Thats it. Ponder on this.............

Have you ever wondered if you were living all parts of your body totally and completely? Have you ever wondered how it would feel to feel and live with all the parts of your body? Do you know that people only accept certain parts of you. Rest, they simply reject. Maybe, because they aren't so comfortable with the parts. Leave alone other people, have you, as an individual, accepted your wholeness with all its flaws. Do you have the courage to face yourself?

Got a few minutes to chill out. So thought would write a blog on the travails of driving (riding) in the water-infested roads of Chennai. Chennai, the hot tropical metro where there are no winters. There are only summers, which are described as hot, hotter and hottest. LOL. The cyclone that has showered its love on the city was supposed to have moved on to AP. But my guess is that the rains (much needed) are here to stay, atleast for a short while. Rain or no rain, a person like me has to face the trecherous roads and reach office on time. Riding a bike in Chennai is like trying to play a guessing game every second. You need to remember each and every pothole on the road and try not to fall into any of the miniature manholes. Today, I stepped into the Adyar river when I came out of my bulding. The strong currents threatened to submerge my bike. I braved the waters and turned towards Kotturpuram. Then the ordeal started. I heard myself saying, Water water everywhere.... Reached office a...